All Day Diabetes

Ever since type 1 diabetes came into our lives 1 year and 4 months ago, there is never a time diabetes is not in my head. When I go to work I spend my day watching numbers, calling the nurse/FASA-insurance company-diabetes supply companies, Dr. offices, reading articles and blogs, watching videos, and trying to soak up any shred of helpful information that might make tomorrow a better day for my daughter. I get jealous of my husband as I know his day if full of work and stress but very little of diabetes. He may watch her numbers here and there but his head is not consumed. I feel like I need to absorb as much as humanly possible so I can understand, so I can face tomorrow with new knowledge. There is so much I do not understand. I still haven't figured out how certain foods are broken down in the body. Fats, carbohydrates....slow carbs, fast carbs, glycemic index, it makes my head hurt.
Why the hell can't I figure out how to set a damn temp basal? I mean yes I can do the physical act of putting in the info into her pump, but why the hell can't I figure out the magic ratio for what lowers or allows her to gradually go higher?? The guilt from not getting right night after night is infuriating.
I read posts from Facebook D mom's who seem to have this all down. How can I be like that?
They also have the least picky kid ever apparently as they take away cereal and replace it with kale almond milk smoothies and lo carb diets. Meanwhile I have the kid who will only eat Oreos and mac n cheese and wouldn't touch a plate of meat unless it was drowning in ketchup. I feel like they are doing everything right and get beautiful CGM data with few highs and lows while I'm on the sidelines trying to control this roller coaster graph of horribleness.
I try so hard that I am literally mentally exhausted by the end of everyday. As soon as Emily and I get home, do homework and dinner is done I collapse and fall asleep. This is of course only if my husband is home. But diabetes doesn't end there. The nap is short lived as always because diabetes never sleeps. Once cupcake is fast asleep in bed the number watching and worrying continues.
Once in bed my alarms are set. Sleep comes in between wails of CGM's and IPhone alarms.
I hope that one day I will be like those seasoned D moms that know how much one skittle will raise cupcakes blood sugar, or that a +/- temp basal for x amount of hours will take care of that high/low blood sugar.
 I look forward to a day when all that the things I am learning will no longer be needed and I can fill my mind with other things. Until then I will teach myself something each day because she deserves nothing less.


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