The D in Emily

Well, it happened. The moment I have been terrified of for the past year. I washed my hands for 20 seconds. Wore a mask. Stayed away from friends, gatherings, and unnecessary shopping. Still it happened. So how you may ask, did it happen? A coworker who was not as careful. A coworker who felt it wasn't necessary to not come into work after someone tested positive in their household. So here I am, now day four from the spare room. The first night was awful. My daughter's site failed. Her insulin mysteriously gone bad in the course of a day and a half. I woke my husband once, twice...six times. Every hour alerting him from 8 ft away, mask on, that Emily needed a site change. Followed by two boluses. Followed by a cartridge change. Followed by more boluses. Helpless. Unable to touch my own sleeping child. I had to just sit back and return to my imprisonment and watch the number on the blaring dexcom climb higher and higher. It was the worst feeling. After 6 years of being the supe...

It happened today, Emily's Dexcom receiver and phone blanked out while she was at summer care. She had just asked for a snack, she was 78 and I had her bolus knowing she would be eating. I was unsure of this decision but figured her numbers would reappear on my phone any minute. After 10 minutes when the numbers didn't appear I started to panic. Was she going down when I gave her the bolus? What if right now she was going down then the insulin I gave her will bring her down even more? It already started. The what ifs took over and I sank into that dark place that no D parent lets themselves go. I'll admit that I had a very long grieving period once Emily was diagnosed. I couldn't get past the sadness. It has been awhile since I felt dark feelings but in in this moment it was all I was feeling. 10 more minutes went by and the fear and panic enveloped me. I began bawling in the middle of work. Once I started I couldn't stop. I cried for all the times I didn't. I...