The Land of What Ifs

It happened today, Emily's Dexcom receiver and phone blanked out while she was at summer care. She had just asked for a snack, she was 78 and I had her bolus knowing she would be eating. I was unsure of this decision but figured her numbers would reappear on my phone any minute. After 10 minutes when the numbers didn't appear I started to panic. Was she going down when I gave her the bolus? What if right now she was going down then the insulin I gave her will bring her down even more? It already started. The what ifs took over and I sank into that dark place that no D parent lets themselves go.
I'll admit that I had a very long grieving period once Emily was diagnosed. I couldn't get past the sadness. It has been awhile since I felt dark feelings but in in this moment it was all I was feeling.
10 more minutes went by and the fear and panic enveloped me. I began bawling in the middle of work. Once I started I couldn't stop. I cried for all the times I didn't. I cried for all my fears I dare not think and push down inside because they are just too scary and too real to deal with.
I went to the bathroom and bawled.

If you are a parent who is one that always looks on the bright side I applaud you. I try very hard to not dwell and not to think of the things that could go wrong. Its tough. Everyday on social media there are posts of sweet babies in DKA or even worse...those we have lost. We push those feeling aside, at least I do because I don't want to think even for a second those things can happen, but they do. But right now in this bawling in my work bathroom moment I let my mind go there. The dark place. I managed to get myself together and return to work. My husband called to tell me Emily had tested and she was 137. I should have felt better, and even though I was relieved I couldn't get past the what ifs.
I was mad actually. Mad that other parents don't have to worry that they might have just killed their child with the medicine that is supposed to save them. Mad that they don't have to stop every morning before their child wakes up and look to see the rise and fall of their chest to make sure they are breathing. Mad that my child has an incurable disease and theirs don't!

Once I left work and arrived at Emily's summer care I hugged her for a long time. Her phone and receiver were asking for a bg. REALLY???? That was what happened??? All that for a fucking BG? I quick checked her and off we left, the what ifs now far from my thoughts.

I am happy that the land of what ifs is not a place I go to often. In fact it is very rare and that's the way I'd like to keep it. Today it just caught me off guard.


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