The Land of What Ifs

It happened today, Emily's Dexcom receiver and phone blanked out while she was at summer care. She had just asked for a snack, she was 78 and I had her bolus knowing she would be eating. I was unsure of this decision but figured her numbers would reappear on my phone any minute. After 10 minutes when the numbers didn't appear I started to panic. Was she going down when I gave her the bolus? What if right now she was going down then the insulin I gave her will bring her down even more? It already started. The what ifs took over and I sank into that dark place that no D parent lets themselves go.
I'll admit that I had a very long grieving period once Emily was diagnosed. I couldn't get past the sadness. It has been awhile since I felt dark feelings but in in this moment it was all I was feeling.
10 more minutes went by and the fear and panic enveloped me. I began bawling in the middle of work. Once I started I couldn't stop. I cried for all the times I didn't. I …

What Brings Me Down

This topic sadly is easy for me. Ever since the day Emily was diagnosed I have been struggling. Yes it has gotten better but inside I feel like a mess. I have come to realize that I am deeply affected by the numbers I see on the Dexcom. Example, when Emily's numbers are in range I feel happy and relaxed. The moment they go out of range I am anxious and annoyed. When they are low I feel afraid. I cannot relax not even for a second. When her numbers are high I am mad, especially if I caused it by over correcting a low. Guilt consumes me as I think "I can't believe I let this happen!"

When she has site changes or Dex changes my heart races and I am filled with dread. "Will it hurt her this time?" "Will she cry and scream?" I have no way of knowing what reaction is going to come, and when it is bad guilt consumes me. I know I have to hurt her to take care of her whether it be a simple finger prick or a device change and that feeling just plain sucks. …

The Cost of A Chronic Illness

Life was good. Bills were being paid. There was even money left over for things, you know the things you don't really need but want really really badly. Ahh...this was the moment my little family of three had waited so long for.
Then came an unexpected diagnosis. The big D. The good life was gone in an instant. The first blow was the uncovered hospital bill. Thanks insurance! It was a slap in the face. They said Emily being hospitalized in DKA was not medically necessary. WTF??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
Yep. Slap in the face #2, the giant brown bag of prescriptions. Serious it was a grocery store brown bag. Then the new Dr. in our lives Mr. Endo. Luckily insurance was nice enough to give us a copay for that.
Fast forward 4 months. I kept hearing about this thing we HAD to have. A Dexcom....then two months later a insulin pump. By month number six into this new normal we were drowning. I started using my credit card to pay for everything. Thanks to this new spending the credit…

Diabetes and the Unexpected

The first year after Emily was diagnosed felt impossible. If you are not organized, get ready because you are about to be the most overly organized person you know. Thinking ahead is now your new normal. Gone are the days of leaving the house with your purse and keys...and the child. Must not forget the child. You will have juice boxes and smarties. Needles, pump supplies, wet wipes, alcohol pads, insulin, test strips, glucagon, bg meter....crap did I forget anything? I did say the child right?

So here we are. Two and a half years in and yes you still need to make sure you have at least the important things, but the fear of forgetting some things is gone. You throw a fruit roll up or fruit snacks in your bag. Grab the pump remote and go.
Diabetes is a sneaky sucker though. A low can happen out of nowhere.

This weekend we went on our first family trip since before Emily was diagnosed. We were at Universal Studios having a great time when the Dex started to go off. 89 double down. We we…

Sometimes it hurts

I was watching a commercial today. A mother's day commercial for mom's that have children with sick kids. Ultimately it was made to reflect the pain that mother's go through caring for children with cancer. There were tears and depression, a mom screaming in her car. I could so relate to all of this. I try very hard to not show type one in a negative light, but to always show the perseverance and strength that can come from it instead. This commercial spoke to me though. I wanted to share it with the world to show the pain and sadness that we go through while putting on a brave face for the rest of the world to see.
The first year was so hard for me, I almost thought I would never feel real joy again. Slowly I came around, but the sadness is still there. The tears are still there.
The other night I was changing Emily's pod, when the cannula was inserted she screamed out in pain. I held her as she cried her eyes out. I felt helpless and guilty. These are the moments the…

Life before D

Being a parent of an only child has some definite pros and cons. Being that I have no other child and lets be honest, I have very little child experience anyway, I have nothing to compare as to what is normal behavior. Emily has always been highly...okay EXTREMELY emotional. Temper tantrums are usually Oscar worthy and to call her "dramatic" would be downplaying it. I think back a lot about how she was before she was diagnosed though. She was always a happy girl full of curiosity and hardly afraid of anything. She has always been a daredevil and quick to get over bumps and bruises. I often referred to her as my "Rubbermaid" baby for that reason. Overall she was very different before. She has always had a fiery temper on top of all these emotions. I blame her dad for that one. I have seen her clear a table with a single swipe or throw a toy many a day but again it was always a fleeting moment replaced with my happy girl once it was over.
Right before she was diagno…

All Day Diabetes

Ever since type 1 diabetes came into our lives 1 year and 4 months ago, there is never a time diabetes is not in my head. When I go to work I spend my day watching numbers, calling the nurse/FASA-insurance company-diabetes supply companies, Dr. offices, reading articles and blogs, watching videos, and trying to soak up any shred of helpful information that might make tomorrow a better day for my daughter. I get jealous of my husband as I know his day if full of work and stress but very little of diabetes. He may watch her numbers here and there but his head is not consumed. I feel like I need to absorb as much as humanly possible so I can understand, so I can face tomorrow with new knowledge. There is so much I do not understand. I still haven't figured out how certain foods are broken down in the body. Fats, carbohydrates....slow carbs, fast carbs, glycemic index, it makes my head hurt.
Why the hell can't I figure out how to set a damn temp basal? I mean yes I can do the phys…