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Showing posts from June, 2017

The Land of What Ifs

It happened today, Emily's Dexcom receiver and phone blanked out while she was at summer care. She had just asked for a snack, she was 78 and I had her bolus knowing she would be eating. I was unsure of this decision but figured her numbers would reappear on my phone any minute. After 10 minutes when the numbers didn't appear I started to panic. Was she going down when I gave her the bolus? What if right now she was going down then the insulin I gave her will bring her down even more? It already started. The what ifs took over and I sank into that dark place that no D parent lets themselves go.
I'll admit that I had a very long grieving period once Emily was diagnosed. I couldn't get past the sadness. It has been awhile since I felt dark feelings but in in this moment it was all I was feeling.
10 more minutes went by and the fear and panic enveloped me. I began bawling in the middle of work. Once I started I couldn't stop. I cried for all the times I didn't. I …