Life before D

Being a parent of an only child has some definite pros and cons. Being that I have no other child and lets be honest, I have very little child experience anyway, I have nothing to compare as to what is normal behavior. Emily has always been highly...okay EXTREMELY emotional. Temper tantrums are usually Oscar worthy and to call her "dramatic" would be downplaying it. I think back a lot about how she was before she was diagnosed though. She was always a happy girl full of curiosity and hardly afraid of anything. She has always been a daredevil and quick to get over bumps and bruises. I often referred to her as my "Rubbermaid" baby for that reason. Overall she was very different before. She has always had a fiery temper on top of all these emotions. I blame her dad for that one. I have seen her clear a table with a single swipe or throw a toy many a day but again it was always a fleeting moment replaced with my happy girl once it was over.
Right before she was diagnosed she was always sad. Always crying. She didn't feel well and she only wanted her mama. I hate looking back just because I can clearly see now what I couldn't see then. She was sick, more sick then I could have imagined.

Now fast forward a year past and I don't see the same little girl that once was. At times yes, but now she different. Her happy go lucky outlook on life has diminished. She is often angry and irritable. She does not get over bumps and bruises with ease and will cry over the smallest scratch. For a child that endures countless needles and finger pokes I am kinda surprised when a paper cut seems like her finger was hacked off.
She is getting older so I am clueless as to what is even normal for her age but deep down I know that diabetes has changed her. And it makes me sad.
Ever since we left the hospital I have been in this state of eternal sadness that I cannot seem to let go. I am sad for the change in her, for all she endures and all she will endure. Maybe she is too? Maybe we both are stuck in this feeling.
I try to approach each day as a fresh start and hope that today will be better then the last. I have an enormous supply of hope I will look back on this time as a time we endured and moved on. Just like life before D.


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