The Land of What Ifs
It happened today, Emily's Dexcom receiver and phone blanked out while she was at summer care. She had just asked for a snack, she was 78 and I had her bolus knowing she would be eating. I was unsure of this decision but figured her numbers would reappear on my phone any minute. After 10 minutes when the numbers didn't appear I started to panic. Was she going down when I gave her the bolus? What if right now she was going down then the insulin I gave her will bring her down even more? It already started. The what ifs took over and I sank into that dark place that no D parent lets themselves go. I'll admit that I had a very long grieving period once Emily was diagnosed. I couldn't get past the sadness. It has been awhile since I felt dark feelings but in in this moment it was all I was feeling. 10 more minutes went by and the fear and panic enveloped me. I began bawling in the middle of work. Once I started I couldn't stop. I cried for all the times I didn't. I...