What Brings Me Down

This topic sadly is easy for me. Ever since the day Emily was diagnosed I have been struggling. Yes it has gotten better but inside I feel like a mess. I have come to realize that I am deeply affected by the numbers I see on the Dexcom. Example, when Emily's numbers are in range I feel happy and relaxed. The moment they go out of range I am anxious and annoyed. When they are low I feel afraid. I cannot relax not even for a second. When her numbers are high I am mad, especially if I caused it by over correcting a low. Guilt consumes me as I think "I can't believe I let this happen!"

When she has site changes or Dex changes my heart races and I am filled with dread. "Will it hurt her this time?" "Will she cry and scream?" I have no way of knowing what reaction is going to come, and when it is bad guilt consumes me. I know I have to hurt her to take care of her whether it be a simple finger prick or a device change and that feeling just plain sucks. Having to do it never makes it any easier.

I feel down that society is looking at me and my daughter with judgment, like I did this to her by feeding her an unhealthy diet. I am sad that no one, not even my parents or my friends understand what type one even is and what we deal with every minute of every day. I know its not their fault. Hell, I didn't know a damn thing about it either before her diagnosis came. It's not fair to feel disappointment for something they can't understand, but I do.

I know with time these feelings will lessen, they already have to some degree, but they will always be under the surface. That's why we have each other. The DOC and my D friends who will never question why I look like shit or why I'm sad. They already know why and I couldn't be happier to have them. They are my new family who never judge and who completely understand. They are the positive side to all of this and that is what brings me up when I am down.


Comments

  1. It's so hard not to feel some sort of emotional attachment towards the numbers. It does get better somewhat with time, and glad that you've found the DOC :)

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  2. I know it is so hard to not be affected by those numbers, but one thing that helps me keep my emotions in check is I know my daughter is watching me and my reaction. How I deal with her diabetes will probably be how she will deal with her diabetes, and I don't ever want her to feel the crushing guilt that I feel with each out-of-range number. I've had to learn to be okay with it and repeat my mantra over and over: "Remember, there are no good numbers and no bad numbers. It's just information that tells us what to do next."

    Rinse and repeat. Over and over.

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